The Truth About Me

I feel as if I am one with the water.
The temperature of the water is more to my liking than the air's.
I can move as I please in the water,
Turning, leaping, flipping, gliding,
As I feel I should.

It's as if I can be me here.
I feel my real weight here.
My body can do as I say,
I am pretty.
I move gracefully.

All is light, easy.
Hair unstyled, clothing optional.
Just me.

But my hands take it in too quickly.
Wrinkled, puffy, blue-ish white.
They give me away.
I am not supposed to stay here.
They look ugly.

They betray what I want to believe
About myself.
They betray how I feel here.
They show you I really belong on land
in the air
with them
alone
but me.

I've come to think that my generation is seeing a rebound in conservative morals.

My mother was a product of the sexual revolution. During her youth, the message sent to her was to enjoy sex with anyone and everyone you had the slightest inclination toward. People fought for the right to talk about sex, have sex, sing about sex, write about sex, show sex

After four years or being an English Lit major- I know that we (nor my mother's generation) are not the first generations to be "sex-crazed." And take a look at Scripture. Preoccupation with sex really is as old as time. We may now have the help of mass media in spreading the sex-crazed-ness, but it is not new. We are not some new depraved generation.

What's more, I feel a sort of turn around in the culture. I went to see a new musical last week with my mom called, "Spring Awakening." It was an adapted script from an 1890's German play. Let's just say that it probably would have fit better in the 60's sexual revolution. And it is supposed to be a big hit with the young people (not usually the theater crowd.) When we went it was about a fifty-fifty split between middle-aged people (like my mom) and high school to college aged folk. From what I gathered there, and from reviews I've heard from others- the older people liked it more. Interesting.

I've also noticed an increase in early marriages. My two best friends are both marrying their high school sweethearts before their mid twenties. And they aren't even Christians. (Of course most of my Christian friends are married or have wanted to be since before graduating college.) This, after my mother's generation fought for the "right" and cultural acceptability to marry later, have several sexual partners, have kids later, etc.

Yesterday I watched "The Painted Veil," and today I watched, "Chaos Theory." Both relatively new movies. Both about the survival of marriage against all odds (affairs, troubled and scary times, etc.). Both championed sticking out a marriage despite the biggest betrayal possible. Both championed having few, if not one, sexual partner through life.

All in all, I'm feeling quite positive about culture today. I'm sick of hearing how our culture is going down the crap-hole. Whatever people think is the newest height of depravity is nothing new. And I'm enjoying the positive spin on sexual relationships I've been seeing around me.

Take that pessimism. (Insert Veronica Mars chopping gestures here.)

Underlining.

In high school and during my years as an English Literature major I learned a lot about underlining while you read. As most serious (a.k.a. snobbish) English majors know, underlining and margin-jotting is necessary, whereas highlighting is seen as a childish attempt at critical reading. And through my many years of critical reading, my underlining took on the habit of focusing on major points, sentences or words that might support my line of thought or thesis, or things I thought were funny.

This worked well enough in college. I could easily skim the words I had emphasized with a blue line beneath them and within an hour develop a five-page average essay out of them.

Unfortunately and ironically, I think it has dwarfed my ability to think critically about a text put in front of me. Instead of thinking, I judge. I box ideas into what I can see, my big picture... and in doing so, ignore, minimalize, and reject other parts of the text. I mourn the learning I missed in college in my effort to get the assignment done on time.

What's worse, I now believe I've missed most of the beauty of Scripture. I now believe my picture of my God is skewed and muted in contrast to the great big amazing that He is. I've found that I tend to shy away from passages that don't fit into my vision of God. In that act I think I've shied away from my duty as a minister of reconciliation, I've misunderstood Scripture, I've felt confused about who I worship, and have stunted my own growth. Recently as I've begun to really dig into Scripture, focusing more on the parts I don't like, the parts that don't make sense to me... He has rewarded me with new revelations that are exciting and melt my heart.

And now I find myself underlining that which does not support my theories, that which seems minor and unimportant, and still the things I think are funny...with great joy.

Pessimism is One Big Headache

In the last few months I have come to understand that I suffer from Chronic Tension Headaches, and that I probably have been dealing with this for up to ten years. After doing some research online about this problem, I came across this statement:

"One study indicated that patients with tension headaches tend to perceive everyday events as more stressful than those without headaches."

As tempted as I was to glide by this sentence, dismissing it as not applicable to my situation, I have long wondered if what I'd written in my personality as optimism is actually an elaborate disguise for a heavy and burdensome pessimism.

The sentence, and the Holy Spirit, have now put it on my heart that I, though wanting so acutely to be bubbly and positive, am actually a closet pessimist. (I haven't asked my loved ones yet, so I am unsure of the accuracy of the "closet" part of that statement.) Either way, it is a revelation to me, a sad and hurtful revelation.

I now believe that at the root of most of my problems, from my chronic pain to the broken relationships in my life, from my bad eating habits to my lack of follow-through, is my underlying, deep, overwhelming, and defining negativity.

But in perhaps an uncharacteristic move, considering my above appraisal, I am going to change. In a country where a half-black man can be overwhelmingly elected as President, in a world where people care, in a universe created by a loving Master, there IS room for change.

My first steps in the next few days is to pick up some relaxation techniques, meditate, read the Scriptures, keep the TV off, organize my house, purge my life of negative influences, work out, eat well, neti pot it up, enjoy reading, try to stay present in each moment, and begin to write down each day what I am thankful for.

I'll let you know how it goes.